The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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