This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
