life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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