She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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