The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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