man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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