My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
