fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
