you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
