I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
