When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
