It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
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I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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