My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Little spoons don't ask big questions
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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