Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
