I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
