Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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