I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
