Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
