I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
