so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize