i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
