I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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