HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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