9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
