remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize