I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
