saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
