Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
