Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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