Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
my poor anus
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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