This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
