cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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