Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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