Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
