This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
