I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
