im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
