Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket