I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.