Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"