I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
