I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't make any sense
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