I just pynch a tree in the face
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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