i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
