We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
