Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
