Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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