i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
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Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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