A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
