I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
