I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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