So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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