please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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