WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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