I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
