Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
