my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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