I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
